A POSSIBLE PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN BIG BASEBALL STAR AND FORMER BIG CYCLING STAR

I'm not saying that the following conversation happened, but after a certain baseball player stormed out of his arbitration hearing, it got me thinking that maybe that player might have talked to another high profile athlete that went through a period of trial and speculation about the use of performance enhancement drugs (PED's).

Big Baseball Guy (BBG): Uh, hey there, Former Big Cycling Guy (FBCG), I don't know if you've heard, but I've got a bit of a problem with, well, you know, PED's.

FBCG: I heard something about that. What's the problem?

BBG: Well, they want to suspend me for a bunch of games, and you know, I make a lot of money and that would kind of hit me where it hurts, you know?

FBCG: I hear you. You'd think these guys would just let us do our thing, you know? I mean, who gets hurt, right? It's not like everyone's not doing it.

BBG: Exactly, FBCG! You get it. But the reason I'm calling is I need, you know, a strategy, a plan. Maybe some kind of diversion. It seemed to work for you for a long time.

FBCG: Well, you should have called me a decade ago. I mean, it's a little late for you to start a cool foundation, give out little rubber bracelets or date a high profile, popular rock singer. The cancer thing helped, of course, but I wouldn't recommend that.

BBG: Yeah, I admit I should've thought this thing through a little earlier. But what do you recommend now? I mean, there's a lot of coin on the line here.

FBCG: Deny, deny, deny and threaten anyone that questions you. That could maybe buy you some extra time on the field, which doesn't really matter, but the coin does, you hear me? I mean you have your World Series ring already.

BBG: Yeah, I've tried to be pretty level headed. And that intimidation thing looked like a good deal, but it's not working. The top guy's just out to get me.

FBCG: You know, have you tried the righteous indignation tactic? I mean, that worked for me for years. No one figures someone that's guilty could possibly be that angry over getting caught. You might want to, I don't know, maybe yell and walk out of the hearing. Just a thought.

BBG: Wow! That's pure genius, FBCG. I'm going to go with that one. Hopefully, you'll see how it goes on Sportscenter. Thanks!

FBCG: Oh, and a little about the apology, you know, after you've milked the system for all you can get and want to be seen as, well, sincerely apologetic.

BBG: I thought maybe I'd skip that part.

FBCG: Not a good idea. People in the U.S. love that stuff. But you'll need to pick someone other than Oprah. She has her own problems and her ratings have dropped. Maybe try The View, or even O'Reilly. Just sayin'. Anyway, gotta go. I have a meeting with my doctor. You know, I'm planning a comeback. Later and good luck.